Helping children Feel Safe and Socially Engaged
The two of us (Alison and Rebecca) attended a Zoom training session with the eminent Dan Hughes last weekend. Dan Hughes is a hugely knowledgeable and experienced clinical psychologist from the US, specialising in the area of effective interactions between adults and children.
We loved the training and talked about those key ideas we wanted to share. Helping children to feel safe and engaged was top of our list.
Two Brain States
Our brains have evolved two modes for interacting with our social environment. This means the way in which we interpret the intentions of other people and respond to them.
The ‘defensive’ mode evolved to keep us alert for danger and to protect ourselves. In this state, we are on the look out for threat, which may lead us to act defensively towards others. This is not always problematic. There are situations when being vigilant for threat is important.
When we feel safe, we can relax and get into ‘socially engaged’ mode. This lets us connect with other people, fostering emotional well-being and the capacity to learn. This does not just mean physically safe, but emotionally too. We perceive the people around us as being kind and interested in us.
In ‘defensive’ mode, we are sensitive to possible threats to our well-being, both physical and emotional. This could be criticism, sources of embarrassment, or judgements from others.
Which Brain State?
How does our brain decide which mode it will go into? Our history plays some part. If we have had previous exposure to situations that require us to be defensive, we are more primed to move into the defensive state as a default. If we have had more experiences in which people have responded kindly and we felt emotionally safe, we may see this as a default.
Situations we find ourselves in also affect our brain state. We interpret the subtle cues from other people about their states and whether we are emotionally safe with them. The muscles around our eyes play a role in communicating to other people that we are feeling positively and are socially engaged. This can make other people feel emotionally safe with us.
We have probably all had the experience of feeling that somebody ‘doesn’t like us’. If asked by a friend why we have this impression, we may find it hard to articulate, or say that we ‘can just tell’! The thoughts and feelings we have can leak out onto our physical demeanour. The person we felt did not ‘like us’ may have been in a defensive brain mode, and so gave out defensive cues.
Within the first tenth of a second, our brains can interpret subtle cues, facial expressions, and body language, influencing whether we feel emotionally ‘safe’. This then leads our brains to move towards either social engagement or defensiveness.
Synchronising Brain States
Interestingly, our brains are wired to tune in and synchronise with the brains states of the people around us. We influence them and they influence us. Sometimes when we go into a room we pick up on the atmosphere or the vibe of the other people. It’s catching!
When interacting with children; our own children, the ones we look after, or the ones we teach, we also influence each other’s brain states. If a child is in defensive mode there will be an inclination for our brains to get in sync with that state. The good news is that if we are aware of this possibility, we can remind ourselves to relax and stay ‘socially engaged’. Over time, the child’s brain is likely to start to synchronise with us. After about 5-10 minutes, if we continue to give out, ‘You are safe with me and I like you’ vibes, the child will pick up on this and their own brain state will soften.
We have possibly always known this intuitively. We don’t have to ‘join in’ with defensive ways of interacting. If we remain relaxed and interested in the people around us, our thoughts and feelings will start to leak into our physical demeanour and help people with us to feel safe and relaxed too.
